Believe it, or not.

He called last night. Around 9pm. Funny how I knew it was him, even though the caller ID said 'out of area'. Hubby answered, and put it on speakerphone. There was a lot of background noise, and my broken ears could pick up only little snippets. He said he would find out in about 1/2 hour if there would be a detox bed for him today - it was still day time in Sydney. He still has no plans to continue treatment after detox. Says he has a job lined up, and will save enough money to go to New Zealand. To start anew. Again. Running away. Again. Just as the conversation was coming to an end, my broken ears pricked up - I heard the word 'money'. Yes, his cousin L has given him some money. Not much - $20 here, $40 there. Said he needed it for his prescription medication, which was only available during certain hours, and L was working during those hours, so gave A the cash instead. I left the room. Took the dogs out for their nightly constitution. I did not want to wait around for any more lies. Perhaps he was telling the truth. Probably not. This caused an argument between hubby and me afterwards. Hubby believes everything that A tells us. I believe nothing. I wish we could find a middle ground, and know what to believe, and what not to believe. Today is another day.

Mental Illness?

We heard nothing from A all day yesterday. We heard nothing from my nephew. We had no idea what was going on. We could only hope that A was safe. We realize that this is his problem, but it's hard not to make it ours. I spent the day in a haze, pulling weeds from the garden, trying to pull the cobwebs from my head. When I awoke this morning, Hubby said A called last night at around 1am - I heard nothing - oh, the trials of being deaf. Hubby didn't wake me, thinking I needed my sleep. Anyway, he informed me this morning that they had a long chat. A is going to go into detox and is starting on buprenorphine, but will not be going to a treatment center - that seems a bit pointless to me. I really feel he needs to fix the underlying problems that led him down this twisted, tortured path to start with. I am fairly certain that he suffers from bipolar disorder, though this has never been formally diagnosed. Even as a little boy, he would have wild and erratic mood swings that were very cyclical in nature. I have suggested before that he needs to be investigated for this. When I tried to find answers for his childhood behavior, I was brushed off as being a neurotic mother.  Mental illness runs in both sides of his family.  He knows this. Perhaps he feels there is less stigma to be diagnosed as an addict rather than mentally ill?

Sucked In

I don't really think it's a roller coaster ride I have once again been led to, as mentioned yesterday. I like roller coasters and love the feel of the speedy descent after the slow climb to the top. That, to me is exhilarating. This next journey does not hold any promises of exhilaration.  I think more than being on a roller coaster, I have been sucked into the vortex of a whirlpool. Only this time, I will not let myself get sucked down to the bottom. I can see a tiny bit of light out the end... I just need to navigate the maze through the spirals of broiling waters.  Is this going to be easier, with him 12,000 miles away in Australia?? Or will this only make things more difficult? Should we bring him back home? But back to what? I am unable to have him in my house again. Memories of past experiences have come flooding back... how he pounded his little brother's head on the tiled floors... how he emptied out all our bank accounts... how he stole the last mementos of my late parents... how he pushed me over several times, the last time pushing me down the stairs... how he stole my camera just as I was starting out my photography business... how I was attacked by one of his 'friends' when I went looking for him.  No, I cannot have him back in my house. At least I feel safe with him so far away. But how to help him there? I have contacted a friend of mine in Sydney (thank god for re connections with Facebook), who is a psych nurse, and have asked her for some information regarding emergency mental health assessment, detox and rehab facilities down there.   We have contacted a local counselor here, seeking guidance. Things may be a little easier this time around - we no longer have other children at home. Hubby has just retired, and I am still of work on disability for my profound hearing loss. I will be going back sometime in the very near future, but for now, I am able to concentrate my energies on myself and my family.